In the next few weeks I’ll be splitting this domain in half. For bittersweet reasons it looks like my modus operandi has become two distinct entities. Web development and design, and health advocacy/research/education. In between the two there are elements of self discovery, which usually belong in one of the two categories.
The past year has upended my life and the definition of myself. There have been good things and many many bad regarding this experience I’ve had. At this point I’ve had enough distance and am well enough to really begin writing again. In fact I need too, as day by day I’m figuring out who I am all over again. Some pieces of me a stronger than every, others I need to let go as they are likely never returning.
The biggest of which is the permanent vestibular damage. While it may sound small, for me it has been a bigger deal then having a hysterectomy.
My primary mode of exercise for the past eleven years has been staff/fire performance. Which is now impossible, even watching other people do it gives me vertigo. My balance system is forever 50% dead on my right side. I am thankful/lucky that I can compensate enough to be able to walk short distances. The bending, weaving, and spinning associated with just about any form of fire dance is going to be next to impossible, possibly forever.
This is a loss of an identity that has been an established part of me for over a decade, vs getting my uterus cut out which got rid of the potential “could be” of having children. Something which I’ve been pretty deadset on NOT doing since age 19. Not to mention that my uterus at that point was making my life a living hell.
The loss of 25% of my vestibular system continues to impact my life on a daily basis. It is next to impossible to make left turns while driving since I have to move my head incredibly slow and steady to prevent a vestibular attack. I have to be careful bending over to pick things up, and walking any distance longer than a quarter mile, especially if I have never walked it before. I can’t run, can’t really dance. One of those most vexing things recently has been trying to figure out how I actually CAN exercise.
To some extent I can continue to “teach” my damaged balance system to do things it can’t currently do without inducing dizziness or stomach turning and completely disorienting vertigo.
That ^ is a brief insight into where I am today, as I try to re-establish a sense of me. I sense of living my life vs surviving day to day. This is the stuff I need to work out in a space dedicated to it. This is what will become the main site for existential.rip.
I will keep the blog on this page up, I’ve been doing a lot of web development stuff recently and I might want to write about it. However, a good portion of the posts will be moving. My portfolio will become password protected. It is the most likely source of shitstorm, and I haven’t updated it in years. However, I want to keep it around and give the password to people who ask to see it.
So that is what is going to be happening in the next few weeks. I’m waiting for the perfect photo to base the design of existential.rip on, and also I am looking into new webhosts since dreamhost is starting to have issues. I will do my best to keep this space updated until the split occurs.